Happy Birthday To Me!

Today is my birthday! I am 32 years young today! I certainly do not feel 32, but I am. I feel more like a young 21 year old than a true adult though.

I was thinking back over my years of TTC. I stopped BC December 2005 and we tried up to December 2006 when I found I had the massive fibroid growing in my uterus. After that was removed in 2007 we’ve been trying every month thereafter to no avail. 3 failed medicated IUI’s, 3 failed months of the CBE monitor, 4 weeks of acupuncture and herbal medicines and countless of trying it on my own. Each month I would be filled with hope and anxiety, only to have my hopes dashed and snuffed out. I would think how cool it would be to find out I was pregnant on my husband’s birthday, then when that did not work, I’d think how cool it would be to get pregnant on father’s day, then my mom’s birthday, then mother’s day and on and on and on. Each month some new expectation. We decided that the IVF was a go and I called the nurse and got my list of meds and today my husband was going to pay the deposit we are required to pay.

This year we traveled away and spent some quality time on our anniversary. I found that I was ovulating and had a fleeting thought on how nice it would be if we got pregnant on our anniversary. Just a fleeting thought because of all the disappointments. You can imagine how much we baby danced over our anniversary weekend. LOL!!! I started counting my days before Thanksgiving to see when AF would show and calculated it to be around the 30th of November. Imagine my shock when AF did not show, I figured I mis-calculated. I waited it out but still no AF. Then on Tuesday it felt as though she’d show any minute. I had small hopes of being preggers but would not allow myself to think it. By yesterday, I allowed myself to believe it could be, but all the cramping I was having made me think not. I am a 27-29 cycle day girl, not a 32 cycle day girl. I had counted and had a ball park of when I ovulate and knew just like clockwork my period came 14 days later. I picked up some tests yesterday and resisted the urge to say a word to my hubbie or sister, I resisted the urge to POAS until this morning. I got up this morning and did the test and God said ‘Happy Birthday’ and gave me my gift… it is attached below:



Imagine my shock when the second blue line immediately came up and I realized I was pregnant. I AM PREGNANT! I fell to my knees and prayed then called my husband to share the news. I said guess what we did on our anniversary weekend. He pondered and then said what. I said ‘we made a baby’. He was absolutely floored and is so overjoyed and immediately told a co-worker. My husband cannot keep a secret so I don’t know if we’ll wait 12 weeks. LOL!!!

Never did I think how great it would be to find out I am pregnant on my very own birthday. But words cannot explain how overjoyed and blessed I am. After almost 3 years of TTC and month after month of heartache…I am pregnant. All praises to God!

What's our forecast for the next year?

Well time sure does fly by when you're not looking. Its been almost a month since I stopped in to blog. It should come as no surprise that I do not have any pregnancy news to report. Last month I thought I was definitely pregnant. I shared it with my husband and sister. I'd been feeling strange and one night, while watching Desperate Housewives and folding laundry, I got so naseaus I had to jump in bed and lay down. I was feeling awful, but when my period showed up I feared I was diabetic. So off to the doctors with no hope of a positive pregnancy, then the doctor told me she bled for 3 months into her pregnancy. I had renewed spirit. Turns out I had a small case of food poisoning or a virus since my WBC were elevated. My gosh what does it take for a girl to concieve.

My anniversary passed recently and as usual my husband and I discussed our plans and goals for the next year of our marriage. His number one goal was....yes, you guessed it...starting our family. He is really pushing the IVF and I am leaning towards it myself. I 've taken just about the full year to try and concieve on my own to no avail. I guess its time for plan b. I called the fertility clinic and got my list of drugs and meds and pricing. It looks like we'll spend about $1200 for the IVF procedure, meds and co-pays. Not that bad, but much more than the $100 for the IUI's. So 2 more chances to get this thing done right or IVF here we come!

The Pregnant Man

So now the pregnant man gets to get pregnant TWICE and I have to struggle along? Are you kidding me?

Mid Month

Looks like October is on its way out and with the fluctuating temps I cannot tell if its summer, fall or winter at times.

Accupunture seems to have helped me enhance my mood and energy so it was worth taking. I am moving on to massages now. Tomorrow I go in for a swedish massage with a group of friends. We are doing Ladies night out with massage and dinner. Later I may hang out with some of my husband and I's friends for a late night party.

I've stop drinking the muddy water. Is till have some left but have decided to drink it later if I am up to it. The stuff is awful...just awful I tell ya. But I can tell its helped the kidneys quite a bit since I go to the restroom and dispel quite a bit. Too bad its not showing on the scale. LOL!!!

Chat with everyone later in the coming months! Take Care.

Almonds give me gas!

I've heard that almonds are good for men with low sperm count. I learned this at a fertility forum that I am a member of. I had joined with so much gusto initially. It was at the beginning when I was first starting the IUI cycles. After much dissappointment I stopped posting. It was just too much for me. Anyway back to almonds. My cousin suggested them as a low carb filler, but I've noticed the past few days I am gassy (as my grandma would say). And I am not speaking of a small amount. Its a lot. But enough about that.

I had my third treatment today and the needles were a tad bit painful. I normally feel a prick and then nothing more, but this time I could feel it in my arms and on my leg. But I slept on through with the warm lamp on my abdomen.

As for the muddy water, that describes it perfectly. I had found a name of the medicines in it but lost it. Anyone know what they are? This is the most disgusting gunk I've tasted but between the TCM and the acupunture, somethings working. I can see and feel it.

For anyone trying or trying in the future, my acupunturist and herbalist says its okay to add honey. So that's what I did tonight and it helps...a little. The more honey...the better.

Cold Uterus

Well, I had my first appointment with a licensed acupunturist and herbalist. I decided I would take the holistic approach after all the other things I've done. I figured if I can fill my body with all types of clomid, bravelle and ovidrel, then surely I can try some traditional chinese medicine (TCM). So off I went this morning to give it a try.

Initially we spoke and she asked me some questions and looked at my tongue and did this 3 finger pulse check and told me I am very healthy! The on to my hands and feet. My hands are warm but my feet are cold. Like always. I have cold feet and its been that way for as long as I can remember. If my feet get cold NOTHING stays warm. With that she diagnosed me with cold uterus. Okay, if I had not researched a tad before the visit, I'd have said 'Cold Uterus, What the hell is that'. But I had done a little research and read up on that before. So anyway, she said that we'd do the acupunture and then she'd make me some herbs.

I undressed from the waist down and lay on the bed. It was nice and warm in the room and it was dimly lit. She cleaned the areas where she was to insert the needles. I know she put one in the very top of my head, one in the middle of my forehead, one on my right earlobe, some on each arm, a few on my abdomen and some on the leg and feet. she put some type of electromagnet spectrum thing that seemed to warm my feet. She told me to close my eyes and sleep for 30 minutes. So I lay there with needles sticking out of me and relaxed. She checked on me about 15 minutes in and then came in at the end to remove the needles. After that she gave me the bottle of herbs she'd made. I have to take 4 little spoonfuls in 1/2 cup hot water twice daily, 30 minutes after meals. I do the acupuncture 2 times per week, but I think I'll only go once because insurance does not cover it.

Anyway, this herb concoction is disgusting!!! It tastes just awful and looks like dirty, muddy water, but I suck it up and suck it down, because for the love of my bean to be, I'd do most anything!

What's New Pussycat...Whoawhoawhoawhao!

Nothing much going on my way. I am done with AF for this month and done with the CBE monitor and sticks. Phew! I did not POAS once this month and did not track on my calendar or anything else. I was surprised when I saw a hint of AF because I was unsure of the date. Sure took a lot of pressure off of me.

So what's next? I thought nothing, but landed on accupunture and chinese herbal medicine. Not just for infertility, but for a few other things that are bothering me. I've got ganglion cyst on my wrists and I read that accupunture may help re-direct those fluids. I have a swedish massage scheduled for october to help redirect my blood flow.

So I won't be around too much, but will update periodically as I move along to a more tranquil life, that may just bring me a baby.

No Shit Sherlock

He leaned over to me and said 'your period is coming; you have a zit'. I looked up and glared into his face. Why in the middle of our wonderful conversation and the splendid theatrics of the Sakura Japanese Hibachi chef's cooking presentation would he say such a thing. 'I know' I said, when what I was thinking was 'you asshole, don't you think I know I have a zit the size of Mt. Fuji on my chin. Why would I need you to point this out?'. His face distorted and I could not tell if it was from disgust of seeing my pimple or the disgust that according to HIS facts my period was coming and therefore I am not pregnant.

Who knows, who cares and in the words of my deceased mother 'No shit sherlock [I've got a pimple]'!

Desperate Times...

call for desperate measures. When my husband begins to actively research and apply what he learns, I know that we are in desperate times. Somewhere he read that when he ejaculates he should plunge in deep (ouch) and then we should stay together for a period of time before he withdraws. Now most of us women know this to be common knowlege, but when he said it to me I was stunned. Don't get me wrong he's no dummy, but as he already had kids he does not spend a lot of time wondering what's going on, not like me. He normally goes along with whatever I say or tell him and that's been the way it is. This month he decided to take it into his own hands and try this method. If I get pregnant, I'll never hear the end of it. But I am okay with that.

I decided not to focus too much on counting days and looking for signs. Normally, I fill my calendar up with my cycle count and then once I ovulate I do the DPO. But I decided not to this month. I am due next week I think and I am okay with not know the exact date. I have one pregnancy test left and so the POAS frenzy will not happen this month. Nope I am taking it one day at a time and praying positive thoughts. This is the last month for the CBE monitor, after this we are not monitoring anymore. I'll have to make my decision on IVF in the next couple of months. But I guess if I am not pregnant by then, the decision will already be made. I'll go with it.

For the Love of You, I'll Do Most Anything...

That's how I am feeling right now. I feel just like running to get an IVF becuase I'd do most anything right now for a baby.

I had a dream last night that I was holding a little baby boy in my arms and somehow I felt he was not mine, like his mother would come take him away at anytime. I thought, is that sign that I will adopt. I sure hope not because I want my own biological child and that might be selfish, but that's how I feel.

So, as today is a peak day for me (a bit early according to my past cycles)I am going at it with zeal and zest. LOL!!!

For the love of you (my little bean) I'll do most anything!

Listen to the original song by Tony! Toni! Tone'!

USA Basketball Team Takes the Gold

After the Crimson Tide

Okay, Day 4 or 5...I am just over Aunt Flo and ready to go. I didn't have much time to reflect on the unsuccessfulness of this last cycle. I was soooooooooooo caught up with family stuff this weekend that I did not even have time to think. So I decided that I am going on once more with the CBE monitor and preseed. One of my cousin (in-laws) who has 4 kids suggested that I take Geritol. Oh so many suggestions! She is the same cousin who verbally attacked my husband about why he had not gotten me pregnant yet. LOL!!! That was last year some time. She gently bought the subject up this time and I lied and told her we'd moved on to other projects since this one took too long. She then said 'well don't try fertility drugs because you'll have five kids and you'll be crying. It will be a happy event, but you'll be in tears'. My husband and I just looked at each other because we have the inside scoop. We've done 3 medicated IUIs with no success, so no five babies for us.

There was a little 4 month old at a family function and I could not take my eyes off him. His mom was so in love and you could see it all over her. I held him once, but not that long. It hit me how much I REALLY want a baby. But I sucked it up quickly when it looked like my eyes were welling up with tears and I vowed to just hold on. I know our time is coming soon. I can feel it, so I just have to be patient.

On our drive home my hubbie said 'we need to just go ahead and get started with the IVF'. It broke my heart just because I know how much he wants more children and I do NOT want to do IVF. I kept quiet though and silently said a quick prayer to my Father. I know our time is coming, its within our reach we just gotta hold on!

Baby dust to all! We can do this, just hold on.

12 DPO

Feels like AF is coming any minute now. I tested on 11 DPO in the evening, this time I used one of those free early detection tests I got along with my pre-seed. It of course was negative as hell, not even the faintest line..a BIG FAT NEGATIVE. Well I sort of guessed that since I got a negative on 9 DPO. I am a firm believer that if its negative 9 DPO its a negative. Oh well there goes my hopes of having my baby on my mother's birthday.

Since I ovulated on day 16, I have to wait until day 30 for CD1 if my calcuations are correct, so that will be Thursday. I am PMSing and crampy like today is the day. I was supposed to get Pamprin at Wally world but forgot.

I was in the restroom doing a secret testing yesterday when my husband called and interrupted me. It was about the dog shampoo and I almost bit his head off after I kept staring at that one pink line. I am not sure I like it better than the 'not pregnant'. I kept looking and saying, c'mon just a little faint line. If not now when? IDK, I just don't know. Looks like I'll have plenty of drinks this weekend, no worries.

8 DPO

So I am 8 DPO, how can I resist POAS tomorrow? There is virtually no way that's not going to happen, so I figure I'll do it at first urine. Oh my! The pressure is on once again to produce this son that my hubbie keeps speaking on. A few days ago he had a heart to heart with me, in which he told me we will have a baby, its just not our time yet but our time is coming. I was surprised to hear him say it because it is rare. When I told him my coworker was having a little Boy, he commented that we needed to get our show on the road.

Oh don't I know it, don't I hope and pray that this is our month. I really, really do. But only time will tell. According to the chinese lunar calendar its all girls until December, so if that's right we have a long wait for a little boy. I'll take what I can get at this point. Either way I'll love that baby to pieces and will be the best mom ever!

Side Pain Post Ovulation

It feels like I am ovulating all over again. I hve this pain on my left side. Perhaps its gas, but I also had a slightly heavy discharge as well. What's that about. On top of that I think I am eating too many bananas and have slight constipation. LOL!!! The whole healthy eating thing is backfiring on me now! IDK what to do, i still have a 3 banana's left to eat. Maybe I'll make banana nut bread. YUM!

Alicia Keys - Superwoman

1 DPO

Well, I am at CD17 and if my calculations are correct, CD1 will be on 8/14. I’ll test that theory. We are done with the timed BDing for now. We made it on both of the high days and 1 of our peak days. Poor hubbie was tired on peak day 1 and rolled away into dream land. I felt bad so I did not bother him. LOL!!! But I woke to find I was still at peak on yesterday, so we took advantage of that. It was good since he had a day to build up those numbers. I also got to use the Pre-Seed again on peak day 2. Hubbie REALLY liked the pre-seed.

So now it’s the waiting game. I guess I’ll POAS on CD28 because I think I’ll go to CD30 this month. I feel like we are so close this time, like a month or two more and we’ll have that BFP that we’ve waited over 2 years for. Here’s to hoping and praying!

My friend and co-worker finds out the sex of her baby today and we are deep into planning my other co-workers babyshower. I am not at all emotional about it. More excited than anything because I just know my turn is not to far off. I feel very positive about that.

That's Strange

I expected to see peak fertility this morning but only got a high? What type of tomfoolery is this? I had a few signs of ovulation earlier, but that all came to a screeching halt. NO more heaviness and no tenderness. My beautiful EWCM seems to have disappeared. I'll do one last check tonight and then see what happens.

It just so happened that things went so well I did not get to use the preseed. Probably because I took the lead here and gave myself more time to warm up. So maybe tonight will be a preseed night. I am tired as a dog and came in and collapsed onto the bed and slept for an hour when I was only supposed to change my clothes. Oh well! My body must have needed it.

So tomorrow then, tomorrow I will see peak fertility on the monitor. If not, I'll know to just listen to my body because the monitor obviously can't keep up with whats going on.

Egg White CM

Well its CD13 and I just got high fertility on the CBE this morning. I was beginning to worry that the thing was faulty. LOL!!! Last time I got high fertility at day 10. I also did the check, you know the vaginal check for the egg white cervical mucus (EWCM) and sure enough, I got it. Now me, who always thinks I am dry as a bone down there and only see the EWCM when I wipe sometimes (it looks like mucus/snot to me). I went ahead as directed and inserted a finger and what do you know, there it was. I even did the stretch test and it did stretch. So in the words of one of my forum buddies, I am going to jump my husband tonight. I'll add a little preseed and for the next nights its on and poppin'!

On another note, I am so much better with my pregnant friends and new moms. One came in today with her baby girl and I held her and even put her to sleep. Everyone kept saying what a good mom I'll be and how I had the magic touch. I did not get offended or even cry. I just held that little baby and bounced her and rocked it. It felt so natural! I can't wait for my turn.

Am I One Of Those?

Am I becoming one of those women who will buy any new gadget that claims it will help her conceive? I’ve never been that type but I tell you it seems like all common sense is out the window when it comes to having a baby. Last month I got the CBE Monitor and was hyped up after reading all the rave reviews. I was glowing and beaming from ear to ear thinking I’d be one of the women to get pregnant the first month and have a story to tell. Well, no pregnancy the first month. So I learned about pre-seed some months ago and had read a review where a woman said it was the CBE Monitor AND the pre-seed that did it for her after 2 years of TTC and a failed IVF. Oh that sounds more like my story, so I decided to get the pre-seed this mo nth and use it. I do think I have an issue with moisture and so I bought it and will use it on a couple of high days and both my peak days to see what I get. Hoping it will give me the added moisture I needed for those spermies to get that egg!!! We shall see.

Back to the Drawing Board

Back to the drawing board. Today is CD1 for me AGAIN. Oh well I guess I had no luck with CBE Monitor last month. I will give it another try this month along with some pre-seed lubricant. For those who have not heard, pre-seed is supposed to be great for sperm survival and so I am going to use it on the days I am at peak and see what happens.

I was a tad disappointed that I could not be one of the ladies who raved about getting pregnant on the first try of the CDE monitor. I had such high hopes initially, but not so much this time around. I will keep on going natural for a bit longer though. I am just not ready for IVF.

I got an invite from some friends to join them on the Mommies Nite Out. It’ll be practice for me for when my times comes it said. Practice, that’s exactly what I need. NOT!!

Does Weight Really Matter?

Here is a link to a very informative seminar held by Shady Grove Fertility on 7/9.

http://www.visualwebcaster.com/event.asp?id=46776

There are also lots of other webinars there that you may be interested in.


On another tip I am part of a 10 pound weight loss challenge until mid-August. Here's hoping I can drop those pounds to begin, then 20 more later (as I stuff my face with shrimp fried rice, spring roll and fresh brocoli).

Coming To A Close

Well my 2ww from this natural cycle is almost over. I am at CD 24. I have not been as anxious as in the past and I attribute that to me deciding against anymore medicated cycles. When I first decided to try the CBE monitor, I was torn for a bit because I thought I was taking a step back instead of proceeding to IVF. I just did not want to go through IVF and put myself and my husband through it. For some reason I felt I could conceive on my own and I did not need any of this. I am rushing my body I thought, it will do this when it’s ready. Now, it’s not like its been less than a year of trying. We tried for a year, but found I had tubal blockage due to the fibroid. So I’ll count from once the surgery was done and I was given the okay to go for it. That would be 13 months ago now. Wow! It doesn’t seem so bad when I look at it that way. But still 13 months of hoping and praying is still a lot and 3 rounds of medicated IUIs is a lot too, especially when the doctor says there no reason why we have not been able to conceive.

As I wind down to the end of my 2ww, I feel the anxiety often associated with POAS. I know I am going to, it is just scary because then all the hopes I have will diminish and I’ll feel defeated if I get a ‘not pregnant’ once again. I often hold on to hope until the very last minute that they are saying…sorry Beta was negative and then hold on some more until AF (aunt flo) rears her ugly head. I am 9 DPO today and either I am going to hang in there until CD 1 or test and get this over with. I plan to fight to wait until CD11 but that seems so far away. I have some digital CBE pregnancy tests waiting for me. Last night I dreamt that I tested and got a smiley face, then the test begin to malfunction after I showed my husband. ‘We did it!’ I exclaimed only to have the test starting showing numbers and pound signs and just going completely haywire. Lord. I woke up this morning like ‘what the hell’? So that makes me doubly timid about testing. Oh Boy! The tests I have should say pregnant or not pregnant, so maybe I need to run and get First Response. Those show the smiley face.

I am having some twinges in my abdomen and had slight heaviness this morning. I can’t blame that on prometrium but I still refuse to read too much into it. I have been really trying to monitor myself since 6DPO because that is supposedly when baby begins to implant. No spotting, but light twinges. I should just put myself out of my misery right now and test.

I can say that I am not as emotional as in the past. Maybe I’ll sing a new tune in a day or so though. Sunday seems like a good POAS day. If it’s negative, I’ll still have time for an apple martini.

6 DPO and Still Sane!

6DPO and I think I feel those same twinges in my uterus that I used to feel with my medicated cycles. I wonder what that is. Implantation I pray, but we’ll see. One thing is for sure, its much better NOT having the prometrium tricking my body into feeling things that are not so. No sore, full breasts, no dark areolas, no cramping and dull headache and no bloating and gas. I have not had to wear a panty liner since CD3 and I can’t tell you how happy I am about that. It was imperative to do so with the prometrium vaginal suppositories.

My weekend was heavenly. The 4th was a day for all the family and a few friends, hamburgers and hotdogs off the grill and cheesecake from the Atlanta Cheesecake Factory that made me want to slap my Momma, Grandma and Great Aunt. LOL!!! But I restrained the urge and enjoyed every bite. The next day we went to the beach and played in the ocean. I have not had that much fun in years and I truly do miss the beaches. We came home for a crab fest of fresh blue crabs, shrimp, sausage, potatoes and clam fritters. YUMMY! The 8 hours of traffic home were hellish, but the time I spent with my family and friends made it all worth it.

Now to make it to 11DPO….I have the urge to POAS (pee on a stick) and I don’t think I can wait until Aunt Flo rears her ugly head to confirm or deny. This is definitely not as much of a roller coaster ride as with doing a medicated IUI (intrauterine insemination), but still, a roller coaster ride nonetheless.

1 DPO (One Day Post Ovulation)

Well it is CD16 and I showed high fertility on the monitor this morning. So we are able to slow things down again. I was pretty pleased with what I found out by using the monitor. Namely, I am one of the many women who ovulate on CD14 and have a 28 day cycle. I have been pretty regular but a few times a year, I go longer cycles say 29 – 32 days, but I am always certain when I ovulate because I have the pain on which ever side I am ovulating on. What I found was that I have peak fertility for two days, so the first day when I feel the pain, ovulation may be just beginning. In the past we would BD on that day and then slow down after that, but the CBE showed my peak continued (and I did OPK stick and it confirmed the same), so we BD on the second peak day instead of the first (mostly because we were just too tired). I rationalized that we normally BD on the day I feel the ovulation pain (now known as peak day 1) and have not gotten pregnant yet, so if we skip the first day and let hubbie build up spermies and then go the second day we may have a better chance. All I know is we went at it 3 out of 4 of our high days and 1 out of 2 of our peak days, so lots of swimmers were waiting on that egg. We shall see what happens!

We are traveling down to NC for the 4th of July to spend it with family and friends. I am like a kid with all my readiness to leave this state and head south to a slower pace and a nice warm beach. I pray that you all remain safe during your weekend travels and ventures. I pray for the successes of our efforts to conceive. And of course baby dust to all!!!

Peak Fertility!

Today is CD14 and just like clock work I am ovulating. I got the egg on my CBE Monitor after 4 days of high fertility status. I am happy to know that I am ovulating as I thought, but somehow perplexed. Nonetheless, I am going on with lots of BDing (baby dancing/dusting) over the past 4 days and hopefully again today. I am running out of steam but Hubbie could not be more content. It looks like my ovulation will wrap up just before our travels for the 4th of July, so that’s a good thing. I am anxious about how many peak days I will have, so I’ll test on through my 10 days and then stop.

Seems I am one of those typical women who ovulate on CD14, but I did not know I had so many high fertility days leading up to ovulation. Makes the monitor worth the purchase. I drank copious amounts of water over the past few days to increase my CM and make sure those swimmers are in the best environment they can be in. We'll see what happens after that.

Have a great 4th of July everyone and baby dust/sticky vibes to all!

Some Interesting Information.

Kisspeptin – a hormone found in young girls that may be useful in older women to help them conceive. Its supposed to be an alternative to using stimulating drugs.

Check out this link to learn more about the ground breaking photos taken of a woman ovulating - http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7447942.stm

High Fertility!

High fertility, high fertility!!! Today is CD10 for me and I got a high on my CBE monitor. I am so excited and hoping I will peak in a few days. I thought that I normally ovulate on CD 14 but as I looked over my calendar, on which I write down my weight, ovulation date, CDs etc, I have ovulated between CD12-14 and my cycle has been 27-31 days long at times. So I am not the typical 28 day cycle, 14 day ovulation. It is so imperative that we listen to our bodys as opposed to what’s written. Over the past 3 months, I have been so medicated that I was not sure what was what.

I was sort of perplexed to find this during my research on luteal phase yesterday. I learned that the days before ovulation can greatly vary from woman to woman but the days after ovulation, the luteal phase, is normally 14 days long. A luteal phase shorter than say 10 days is normally considered defective. Some cycles are 28-38 days and this is considered normal. Some women ovulate 10 -19 days into their cycles. The entire preovulation (elevation of LH and FSH), ovulation and postovulation take a maximum of 36 hours. The egg normally lives a maximum of 24 hours, but most likely 12 hours. That does not leave a huge window of time to BD (baby dance/dust). I also learned that sperm need about 6 hours to make the journey to the egg and its best to have the sperm waiting for the egg instead of ovulating then BDing. I am going to rent or purchase the video A Child is Born, to get some more detailed information because in it, it is supposed to show sperm in the woman’s body and how most of them just die off or try to fertilize the first thing they see and not many make the journey to the egg. I am very curious and plan on doing the post-coital test if I am not successful with this cycle, because I really am curious about my CM (cervical mucus). Sperm need CM to survive and swim in. Over the next few days I will be drinking A LOT of water to help ensure I have that slippery CM needed for the sperm to thrive and swim. * Takes a long gulp of water*

I am off to research a bit more. I had heard in the past that sperm, when first ejaculated, has to take some time to become capacitated to swim. It sits in a gelatinous type semen sort of as a protective measure just in case the CM is hostile. After a while, it sort of melts down and the sperm are released to make their journey.

Yeah, I know lots of research and information. Well that’s the kick I am on right now. Gotta do something to occupy my time.

All the BFNs

I visited my baby site after a little hiatus to check on the stats there. It seems that everyone is getting BFNs now after the initial BFP after BFP. I kept thinking with the statistics there would not be many more positives. Alas...it seems I was correct. I hate that I was correct. I read through the posts of each Hopeful who wants to have a child. The heartbreak and dispair at AF (Aunt Flo) rearing her ugly head. I remember when I joined I had such high hopes, but it was once I started reading peoples signatures that I realized I might just be in this for the long haul. I pray not.

In a frenzied whirlwind

I have been blowing up the internet all day in regards to LH surges and post-coital tests. I seriously think that either I have hostile CM (cervical mucus) or a short LH surge and my egg does not live that long. I have not had a post coital test because I was doing the IUIs and my doctor stated that the IUI is the best option for hostile CM, well that is next to IVF. He explained how with the limited lifetime funds insurance provides, its sometimes best to just try to overcome the infertility rather than run all the tests trying to find out exactly what is causing it. Well, that sounded good at the time when I thought I'd do every treatment and IVF is so expensive so I better be conservative. But now that I am going back to au natural, I have these concerns. All my bloodwork was fine, but still I almost made a doctors appointment to schedule the post coital, but then I declined, not wanting to even go to the clinic at all this month.

My other concern is that my egg is not maturing or it has a very short lifespan. I researched to find some posts on short LH surges. Some women truly surge and then its gone and then its done and that's the reason why they do not get positives on the OPK. That made me question my CBEFM and it just went on and on. I wondered if I could miss the LH surge since I test in the AM with first urine. What if I surge in the early PM at work and then I dont' test again until the next morning, what happens if my surge is already come and gone and my egg is short lived for 12 hours!!!!! I continued to blow up the internet for quite some time looking for the answer but found nothing. I decided to just keep doing what the monitor asks me to do and wait to see what it says. I am pooped!

What's this extra piece on my behind?

How many have gained weight while going through all this fertility treatment? *Slowly raises hand* I was not my ideal, healthy weight going into this thing, but boy am I a bit disgusted with what's come out of it. Extra juicey is what I'll call it. Bits and pieces spilling over a tad her and there. Not attractive at all. I continued to exercise and walk and tread the whole time but it just seems I was unable to control the pounds. The bloating alone was enough to keep me out of my cutest summer gear. But now its time to take it all off. So thats the plan. I am attempting to join a gym under a 90 day contract and we'll see how that goes. In the meantime, I am watching what I eat...like the Krispy Kreme donut I watched go down with eat scrumptious bite. But seriously I am controlling the calories a bit more in hopes of shedding these unwanted pounds.

What about you?

Ermmm...Whose Paying for this?

I got my bill in the mail from the fertility clinic. $186 for 3 rounds of IUI. I sat down and went over the entire list and it looks like we've spent about $650 for the medications, co-pays and IUI procedures. Not that bad right? Well it is when I don't have anything to show for it except experience. Why should I have to pay for it when it did not work.

Okay, I know that's not rational but I did think it for a split second. When I first opened the bill, I tossed it on the table in disgust and said 'I ain't paying for shiiiiit!'. Then reality struck as I thought of my credit report and how quickly they report you to collections and I said....'well maybe my initial reaction was unfavorable, perhaps I'd better pay'. LOL!!!

Now, to be fair the fertility clinic I visit does have this program called Shared Risk for IVF. You have to qualify but they will refund your money if you do not get pregnant via IVF after a certain point. I thought that was a good fair deal but I am praying I never have to use it.

Ahhh to be drug free

Today is CD6 for me and in the past the old me would just be finishing up a round of low dose clomid and one Bravelle shot. But that's not me anymore. The new me is drug free and loving it. I can't explain how lucid, sharp and alive my brain and body have been the past few days. No low grade headache, no hot flashes, no lose of sanity...okay, okay maybe just a tad :-) I don't feel all bloated and irritable and to tell you the truth, I'd forgotten what it feels like to not be medicated.

This weekend I indulged in a Frappacino from Starbucks. A caffienated one! I did mean to get decaf, but forgot and it was so good that I sucked it down with reckless abandon. Then sat up all night was my eyes popping out of my head on a caffiene high. I stopped at the Beer and Wine store and got me a bottle of White Zinfindel, my absolute favorite and have been partaking of it over the last few days. On Friday, my husband and I went out and had dinner and I had a Pomegranate Mai Tai and a Lemon Drop Martini. Ahhhh, the good life.

I don't miss clomid, or bravelle or ovidrel. I am content with CBE Fertility monitor, for now and can't wait to see what happens with that.

This is a drug free zone, a drug free time and I am loving every minute of it!

Test Strips...

are on the way! I got them on craigslist too for $38 shipped. A brand new box plus some leftovers. I priced those bad boys at Rite Aide and CVS for a whopping $49.99. I had heart palpitations, shortness of breath, a mild stroke and a heart attack each time I leaned in to confirm the price. Good Lawd...FORTY-NINE DOLLAS (yes dollas, not dollars) for a stick that I am going to piss on. LOL!!! I ran lights and stop signs and may have hit a few pedestrians trying to get home and then jumped on email quickly to pay for the strips I had on reserve. The seller is putting them in the mail tomorrow morning. I can't wait! This month I'll be charting and testing CM (cervical mucus), taking temps and loving every minute of it. Who needs IUIs anyway.

Shooting Blanks

That's what one of my in laws accused my hubbie of doing. Now she has 3 children with her husband, 1 before their marriage and he has 2 or 3 prior to the marriage, for a total of 6 or 7. When we went to visit and when we were just beginning fertility treatment she asked him 'Why haven't you gotten Rebound Girl pregnant yet. You must be shooting blanks because ain't nothing wrong with Rebound Girl. It was mordifying and funny at the same time. My husband kept mum but I jumped to his defense stating that he already has kids so obviously he's not shooting blanks. But she kept at him and finally he was like 'lets go'.

Family, you can't live with them and you can't shoot them.

We have a family reunion coming up in a few months and I want to be pregnant when I go down there, so my husband can beam from ear to ear and announce it. He's already told me that he is not waiting 12 weeks before he shares the news. He couldn't keep a secret to save his life!

Oh You Can't Have Any...Like Me

Those are the words of my dementia induced by diabetes, grandmother. She never had children of her own, only raised other people's kids and then took to one special little girl and raised her as her own from a small baby after her mother died. That'd be my mother.

My grandmother always wanted me to have children as soon as possible. She did not care! When I graduated from high school I had a boyfriend that I dated since 10th grade. She told me to go on and have a baby and she'd raise it while I was off in college. She always said, you better do it now while you're young baby. Sometimes I wish I would have listened. Whenever i speak to her on the phone she always asks how many children I have. I always say none and she asks what I am waiting on and I tell her, well God has not decided to give me any yet and she usually says 'Oh, you can't have any like me'. I just stay silent and take it like a bullet each and every time. I dread calling her sometimes, but that is my grammie; she raised me and loved me and I understand that now she is sick in mind and body and does not really know that what she is saying hurts me. Otherwise, I'd cuss her old as out.

But why aren't I more like her, she was unable to have her own children and she spent her life raising other peoples kids and for her it was rewarding. Just about everybody in our family calls her Momma. She even raised her sister's children off and on. Somehow I don't feel adoption is for me. I KNOW my husband would be like 'get the hell out of here' if I did want to, but I just don't. I want my own biological children that came out of my own behind (sorry TMI). We need and deserve that common bond. Surprisingly, if I had my own biological child, I think I'd be more open to adoption. Weird?

I have kids...sort of

They are my sister,s children. So precious at 4, 3, and 1. I love them to pieces and they love me too, can't wait to see me and spend time with me. My one neice told my sister that she needed to see me because she was sure I missed her. This was after they vacationed and I had not seen them in some time. So I saw them Saturday, the same day I kept crying at every stroller or pregnant woman that passed by. We played at the play area and when we walked, my neices held my hand and I felt better because no one knew that they were not mine. No one could see me as the mommie wanna be, infertile myrtle, fertility challenged woman that I am.

Those Fertile Bitches at Work!

Oh Lord. I feel so bad because my co-worker whose about 10 weeks pregnant is getting on my nerves. Oh !!!!!...she is my friend and I really do care about her, but the constant talk about things is getting to me. Today as we were walking in from lunch she revealed to me that she was wearing maternity pants today and they felt so much better than the other ones. Yesterday it was how she had to unbutton the pants and how her husband made her so sick and nauseous with something he cooked that morning and blah, blah, blah. I am one of the few who was privileged enough to know that she's pregnant before 12 weeks. One of the others had her baby today. The last is a guy who will not listen to all this crap. So, I wanted to just burst into tears when I kept hearing about the baby in her tummy and she forwarded me the email exchange of her asking our HR rep about maternity leave. In the words of Florida Evans (Good Times) 'Damn, damn, damn'!!!!!!

Now the other fertile myrtle had her almost 9 pound baby today. I guess I am not so upset about that. Atleast the evidence that she got pregnant after I said I wanted to and had the baby before I can even get pregnant is gone. I was much better handling the news of her delivery. However, when she brings that new little baby in for everyone to see I just don't know how I'll take it.

The third pregnant lady came in with her 6 week old baby and I did all I could to avoid seeing him. Just could not go see that baby.

The fourth just keeps telling me she's praying for me and it will happen soon. Oh boy! This is the one who got married and decided to have a baby within a month and got pregnant. Then said they were praying for a boy and got that too.

Add to that the two women I know who've both had abortions earlier in life and have gone on to have a combined 8 children. Lord take me now!!!! How in the hell do they get to concieve and I don't?!?!?!?!

But its not their faults because they are pregnant and have children and its not mine that I am jealous, angry, scared, frustrated, confused and at times unable to deal with any of them.

I've ranted on, incoherently and now I'll move on to something else. Woosah (rubbing the ears).

CBE Fertility Monitor

So, I took the plunge and purchased the Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor from a lady in my neighboring state. I am going to use it for a few months while saving up for IVF and pray that we get pregnant. I read all the rave reviews online with a few not so good ones in between and decided its a go. I've never had a chance to use one and so this is it!

I was on craigslist like a mad woman yesterday emailing and corresponding and breaking out into a cold sweat. LOL!!!

Despite the makers saying that its not good to transfer the machine and have more than one user, I know its a determent to keep us paying close to $200 for the machine and $50 for 30 test sticks, but they won't get me like that. Nope. I got mine used for $35! That's right and I'll get some test sticks at CVS for $39. Its about the cost of my IUI with insurance coverage. LOL!!!

Today is CD1 for me and as soon as I get my machine, disinfect it and calibrate it, I will be charting my days. I've done the basal temp and charting before, so this should be similar right? We'll see. Whats more is I ovulate monthly, like clockwork, but I learned from reading that some women did as well but found with the monitor that their peak days were before they thought, so when they started BDing (baby dusting/dancing), the egg was at high quality and may not have been viable. So many tales of getting pregnant after one month of charting and even one of a lady who did mediated IUIs and did not get pregnant, but got the monitor charted and got pregnant. I am praying I too have a story to share like that one. Maybe I am buying into the hype of it all or perhaps being swept away by the possibilities, but I need something to hold on to and occupy my mind, so I feel I am still making an effort. A girl has the right to dream.

Faith versus Stupidity

So I had to wait until now to get my confirmed BFN beta. Truth be told I still had faith that I could have that late implanter or low beta number undetectable by the HPT. But of course, I was just being stupid and outlandish. They had me wait all day just to hear 'unfortunately the beta was negative'. Arggh!

So on to other things. I decided to give the fertility monitor a try. I found one on craigslist for $35 but it might be sold. I am going back to seek another. I never had a chance to use it and kept confusing it with the ovulation sticks. Now I plan to just try it au natural and see what happens. We are looking at IVF after that.

Beta Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the official beta day for me. I had planned not to go but my husband asked about it today and I did not have the heart to tell him that I tested and it was negative. Yesterday was so hard for me but I got through it...barely. I wanted to wish him a Happy Father's Day but could not do it, so...

My first Beta I let them give him the results. When he called I could feel the heartbreak in his voice. The second one I got, and I hated that call....Unfortunately your beta was negative, stop taking the prometrium and wait for cycle day 1 to call your nurse. Ugghhh. I took it like a bullet. I dread the call tomorrow and will just let it go to voicemail and retrieve it later on. No one needs to have their feelings hurt with bad news.

I visited my baby forum to find 2 more BFPs. That is 12 for June. Now why the hell couldn't I be one of those 12. FUCK!!!!!

Another busted IUI

So today is 12 dpiui and I woke up this morning around 5am and tested my urine. I got a big fat 'Not Pregnant' and came back to bed and cried. I just don't understand how things can be so wrong. What have I done to deserve infertility. I must have done something really bad that God is holding against me.

I fell asleep and got up to go to my vision appt. then went to the mall. Every stroller I saw or every pregnant women, I cried. I just sat there feeling low and like the smallest person in the world. I was not a good pick, I am barren and I cannot give my husband children.

Because I believe that God works miracles and He can do anything, I retested in the PM and got another 'Not Pregnant'. So that's that. No Happy Father's Day from me because I can't deliver. I am sure he'll be upset, but what can I do. Obviously this is out of my control and I just give up.

I am stopping the prometrium tonight and having a strong apple martini. I don't want to hear about Beta or later implanters. This just is what it is.

That would be four...

Four women who've gotten pregnant since I said I wanted a baby. One lady had her second son, the next planned for baby and got pregnant with her second little girl, the third got married, decided to have a baby and was pregnant on her first try, now the fourth is pregnant after saying she was too selfish to have a baby right now, trying for 4 months and getting pregnant with her first child. I am still sitting here, not pregnant. How frustrating is that? How unfair!

Each time we announce whose pregnant next, I have to suck it up and cheer for the newly pregnant mom. All the while I am dying inside, infertility hurts, it sucks its a pain in the ass. Trying to conceive is an obsession and its ruling my entire life. All my plans seem to revolve around getting pregnant and planning for a baby.

I still feel very naseaus but testing is probably a waste of my time and this is all in my head. I am normally asleep by now so it could be some night time side effects from the prometrium or all the crap I ate today.

Prometrium

Oh how I hate those little yellow bullets. I have to insert them vaginally twice daily. I did it perfectly the first IUI, the second one I stopped when I got a negative on day 12, this time I only inserted once daily for a few days and then started twice daily.

Those things give me some of the worst side effects ever. Swollen breasts, dark areolas, heaviness and bloating, and the list goes on and on and on.

They are supposed to help baby implant and promote implantation so I guess its best to grin and bear it.

11dpiui

This had been the longest 2 week wait ever. I cannot believe it is only day 11. I picked up a 5 pack of digital clearblue easy pregnancy tests today at walmart. I am testing tomorrow with my first urine and hoping and praying for my positive.

I am a member of a baby board and right now for the month of June we have about 42 women in the two week wait. 10 of those have gotten their positives and 12 a negative. I am hoping I'll be a positive this month. After almost 3 years of trying to concieve and 3 IUI's I just feel like I've proven how bad I want this and I deserve it.

I feel sort of queasy tonight, but I don't want to put place to much thought in it. It could be the friggin prometrium side effects or anything other than pregnancy. The heaviness I feel in my lower abdomen is probably something else. Arghhhhh! The frustration.

Bravelle and Ovidrel

Neither of these really seem to bother me at all. Once I learned how to reconstitute the Bravelle it was smooth sailing. The Bravelle can burn a bit, but after a while it was fine. I had my husband do the shots the first time around, but the Ovidrel shot made him a bit queasy because of the way it went in my skin. I learned to just do it myself and that made things easier for me.

Each time I'd trigger with the Ovidrel, I knew I ovulated because I could feel the effects. It is amazing all that modern science can do.

Low Dose Clomid Side Effects

HOT FLASHES!

The first time I took the clomid I got extreme hot flashes and lower abdominal pain. I had a heaviness the whole time along with a low grade headache. I would be at work cutting my heater on and off and taking my sweater off and on. At night the covers would fly everywhere. Craziness!

Second cycle no abdominal heaviness and little to no flashes.

Third cycle, a few hot flashes, no abdominal heaviness and blurred vision.

Clomid can do it to you and I wonder why I keep going back..but then again I know why. I want a baby!

My regimen

My doctor prescribed low dose clomid days 3-5, bravelle and ovidrel trigger.

The first cycle I fluffed my bravelle dosage and only took half and only produced one mature follicle.

My husband gave 13 million.

The second cycle I got it right but used a bit too much saline the first time around and got 3 mature follicles. I did low dose clomid, 75 IU bravelle on day 7 and then 150 IU on day 9, then trigger.

My husband gave 15 million

The third time I did the same dosage, but correctly and got 2 mature follicles.

My husband gave 14 million.

Wonder if we got the twins this time?

2ww

I need to jump ahead and bit as I am in the 2WW for my third IUI. This is a bit easier because I've done it two times already. I did not take the recommended dose of prometrium this time. That stuff made my boobs so sore last cycle I thought they'd fall off. Tonight I will up the dosage and take as recommended, twice daily. I am having light cramping all day, but am not reading anything into it because it can mean anything. I am 6dpiui and will test on Father's Day. I really want to be able to give my husband a Father's Day gift from me for our children. He does have two children already, but we'll get into that later.

The IUI went off without a hitch on Monday. Although, my husband and I got into it that morning as he appeared he did not want to give the sample. I was disgusted and said 'Its okay, we'll sit this cycle out because I am not dealing with this' and I meant it. He mobbed around all morning up until the last second. But we rescheduled for later and got it done. This time he did not come with me, which was fine and I got up after the five minutes and went back to work. Something I've not done before. I also jumped him the night after IUI because I got the egg white cervical mucus which means I was ovulating. I am hoping of the 15 million sperm they 'shot in' me, one fertilizes one of the two eggs I hopefully released.

I always have to wonder, why me? Why am I infertile and why can't I give my husband a child like he wants. This is the first, time he's asked me for something that I cannot deliver, literally. Even our dog is pregnant on her first try and due to deliver in a few days. Even she has done something I can't. WTF!

Today was one our friends daughter's b-day party but I was not invited. I guess they knew it'd be too painful for me to see all the pregnant women and ones with kids and me there, not being able to conceive or have a child of my own. My DSD comes in July and I am mentally preparing myself for that. God help me.

Why the Rebound Girl?

Some may be wondering why I chose the name Rebound Girl. Well to make a long story short, I met my husband when he was ending a very messy divorce. I had just come out of a 9 year relationship and had moved to a new area. When we met, it was so much fun to have someone to make me laugh and of course the sex was dynomite! At any rate, we begin living together very quickly and all his family basically thought he was using me (which he may have been for a while) and that we would not last. My family thought I was still stuck on my ex and there was no way I could be moving on and he was just the rebound guy. For a while, it was what it was. I did not love him nor he me, we just were together and maybe it was to fill certain voids we had. But eventually it blossomed into something more. I love him and he loved me and he asked me to marry him. Certain members of his family did not even show up to our wedding, making some excuse about another commitment, but I knew it was because they thought our marriage would never last and that we'd be separated and divorced. But oh how we proved them wrong! Here we are 6 years later still putting up with each others shit and loving each other so strong that it hurts. I think its because some of those people did not show that our marriage was blessed and has endured. We did not need those negative thoughts on our big day!

They thought I was the rebound girl and he was the rebound guy and we knew after a short while we were destined to be together for life.

Primary Infertility

So my research tells me that I have primary infertility. That means this is my first time trying to get preggers with no luck. As I read around with those who have secondary infertility, I somehow get turned off. They have one child already so somehow their plight does not appeal to me. I am like, you atleast have one and have proven that you were a good purchase (so to speak), that your husband had proof that you can bear children and are not barren, unlike me who has never had a child and feel I have something to prove along with my strong desire to be a mother. Oh well. Its harsh but true. I sometimes feel like I was a bad pick for my husband, because he wants MORE children so bad. He already has kids but wants some with ME. This has been the first thing he's asked for that I can't deliver on and boy does it hurt.

Low Dose Clomid

This is my third time doing the clomid cycle and each time has been different. First time, I got lots of hot flashes and bloating. The second time hardly any symptoms at all, this time, blurred vision. I had to take a dose in the AM because I missed my day 3 PM dose due to an emergency. I noticed my vision was messy but could not figure out why. I also had a drink of vodka and cranberry, so... I know I should not be drinking but I just wanted to and with me doing things perfectly and having a busted IUI I figured, I go ahead and have me some fun. I read the insert and it said nothing about not drinking with the meds so guess what I am having another drink tonight too. I just feel like women get plastered all the time and still conceive. Why all this carefulness and I am not even pregnant yet?

Any way, that's where I am and having hot flashes with this cycle of clomid too. I am glad I don't have to return to work until Tuesday which is the last day of my clomid. Thank goodness.

I respond well to clomid each time. The first cycle I had one follicle due to me messing up on my dosage of Bravelle. The second cycle 3 big ones and we'll see what happens this cycle. By Tuesday, I won't be drinking so hopefully I can get 3 or more.

Planning IUI #3

I did not want to do it again, but only for a minute. My husband said let's go one more time! I am on cycle day 2 so we are waiting for day 3 u/s to see what they say. Hopefully there are not cysts. I already ordered my meds and am ready to get started if needed.

I personally have thought about the natural cycle. I want to try the fertility monitor and see what happens, but for some reason I feel I am back tracking. I am 31 years old and time is ticking away. It truly is. So I am going to do the IUI #3 praying that this is the one.

Nonetheless, I had a consult with my docor regarding IVF. The whole thought of it is too much for me, but of course I'll try it if I have to. They say you never stop trying. You take a break but you never stop trying. Right now I am mentally exhausted and I need to let it out. That is why I created this blog. I have no one to speak to about this except my husband but I need to RELEASE what I am feeling with no one knowing who I am or judging me or holding it against me. I stared this blog for that reason and in hopes that one day it will help someone out there experiencing the same things I am experiencing right now.

IUI #1 and #2

After much coaxing from my husband, I decided this was the next step for us. Somehow the sperm was just not meeting the egg, it was not getting past the cervix and the IUI would be the answer to our prayers. In nine months I'll be holding my baby in my arms and it would have been all worth it.

I researched ad naseum and felt good going in. I told my sister about it and she panicked telling me NOT to take the fertility drugs as I would surely have a litter I laughed and invisioned twins, how nice! Low dose clomid caused hot flashes and mood swings, but I hung in there. Bravelle shot hurt but I endured, Ovidrel brought on the ovulation pangs from hell, but I knew it'd be worth it. We made it through went for IUI#1 with one big follie. My husband gave a great sample and waited 2 weeks for the results. The 2ww is inhumane, the possiblities, the hopes and fears. I refused to take a HPT and waited for Beta. When my day arrived I was so excited.

My husband wanted them first, so he got the call. NEGATIVE! He called to let me know, the dissappointment evident in his voice. I felt awful and sulkyAfter a day I planned IUI #2. I had figured out that I had messed up the dosing on the bravelle and I should try it a second time. Surely it would work. This time I had 3 big follies waiting and ready. I did my dosage great and went in for my IUI #2. This time my husband gave even more at his sample. Although we had to do the sperm retrieval at the office watching a porno and sitting in a recliner. ICK!

This time I decided I'd test at home on day 9. 12 and 14, so I did. Each time getting a negative. I still held on to hope, God is in control, he has this. I went in for Beta and waited for the call. It same in while I was in the restroom with poor reception and the call was cut off. The second call came through a few long, excruciating two or three minutes later. I am sorry to inform you that your beta was negative. Awww hell! Okay God. I had challenged Him, told Him that if he was working miracles to go ahead and work one. Prove it to me, show me. No miracle that day, not that particular one on that day.

I called my husband with the bad news. My heart broke. Why can't I give my husband a child?

The Myomectomy

Finding that fibroid was a very devastating thing for me. I was crushed. My GYN sent me to have a HSG done to see if my tubes were open. To my continued devastation, both tubes were blocked. I was torn up inside as I had to explain it all to my husband. My GYN referred me to an infertility specialist who told me the fibroid had to be removed if I wanted any chance of conception.

We scheduled the surgery March 2007. That surgery was one of the scariest things I've ever done. I prayed and prayed and my sister prayed too. My husband was there offering whatever support he could. he did a great job, but men are just not nurturers in most cases. He did the best he could, but some days I just felt like the most useless woman alive. We made it through the surgery and after 3 months of healing, I was ready to try to conceive as soon as possible. We got the all clear HSG. Great news! Thank God. We proceeded to conceive. Month after month of negative test results. Hoping and praying for a positive but nothing. We ran tests and were given the diagnosis of unexplained infertility. Since the fibroid was gone, my bloodwork is fine, my husband's sperm is excellent, there is no reason why we have not concieved. Argggh!!!

Finally the doctor suggested IUI and fertility drugs.

The Beginning

If anyone would have ever told me that I'd be here, unable to conceive, I would have NEVER believed it. I always dream of having children...10. I always believed the moment I stopped using the pill, poof, I'd be pregnant. When I went off the pill I figured that I would be pregnant the moment I stopped using condoms. How wrong I was.

I think back to 1999 when I was about to graduate from college. I announced to my family that I would be having a baby with my longtime boyfriend. My sister was so alarmed, she counseled me immediately. My grandmother who always loved and still loves children was ecstatic. I was convinced not to have children just yet. So I kept popping my pills. I thought how lucky I was that the pill worked for me; I'd not gotten pregnant despite my carelessness. Now I think I know why.

When I met and married my husband, he wanted me to immediately go off of the pill. But I took it for another year thinking, we need to just make it through our first year and start trying after our anniversary. I went off the pill and figured 3 months, the drugs will be out of my system and then we'll get pregnant. Three months turned into 12 and my husband told me to talk to my GYN about trying to get pregnant. I just figured our timing must not be right or something and did not worry too much. I spoke to my doctor about TTC for 12 months with no success. It was at my annual check-up. It was at this check-up that my doctor noticed my abdomen was large and firm. He thought it may be a fibroid. I had to do a transvaginal u/s and sure enough there it was. One, 11cm fibroid sitting at the top of my uterus.