Oh You Can't Have Any...Like Me

Those are the words of my dementia induced by diabetes, grandmother. She never had children of her own, only raised other people's kids and then took to one special little girl and raised her as her own from a small baby after her mother died. That'd be my mother.

My grandmother always wanted me to have children as soon as possible. She did not care! When I graduated from high school I had a boyfriend that I dated since 10th grade. She told me to go on and have a baby and she'd raise it while I was off in college. She always said, you better do it now while you're young baby. Sometimes I wish I would have listened. Whenever i speak to her on the phone she always asks how many children I have. I always say none and she asks what I am waiting on and I tell her, well God has not decided to give me any yet and she usually says 'Oh, you can't have any like me'. I just stay silent and take it like a bullet each and every time. I dread calling her sometimes, but that is my grammie; she raised me and loved me and I understand that now she is sick in mind and body and does not really know that what she is saying hurts me. Otherwise, I'd cuss her old as out.

But why aren't I more like her, she was unable to have her own children and she spent her life raising other peoples kids and for her it was rewarding. Just about everybody in our family calls her Momma. She even raised her sister's children off and on. Somehow I don't feel adoption is for me. I KNOW my husband would be like 'get the hell out of here' if I did want to, but I just don't. I want my own biological children that came out of my own behind (sorry TMI). We need and deserve that common bond. Surprisingly, if I had my own biological child, I think I'd be more open to adoption. Weird?