Coming To A Close

Well my 2ww from this natural cycle is almost over. I am at CD 24. I have not been as anxious as in the past and I attribute that to me deciding against anymore medicated cycles. When I first decided to try the CBE monitor, I was torn for a bit because I thought I was taking a step back instead of proceeding to IVF. I just did not want to go through IVF and put myself and my husband through it. For some reason I felt I could conceive on my own and I did not need any of this. I am rushing my body I thought, it will do this when it’s ready. Now, it’s not like its been less than a year of trying. We tried for a year, but found I had tubal blockage due to the fibroid. So I’ll count from once the surgery was done and I was given the okay to go for it. That would be 13 months ago now. Wow! It doesn’t seem so bad when I look at it that way. But still 13 months of hoping and praying is still a lot and 3 rounds of medicated IUIs is a lot too, especially when the doctor says there no reason why we have not been able to conceive.

As I wind down to the end of my 2ww, I feel the anxiety often associated with POAS. I know I am going to, it is just scary because then all the hopes I have will diminish and I’ll feel defeated if I get a ‘not pregnant’ once again. I often hold on to hope until the very last minute that they are saying…sorry Beta was negative and then hold on some more until AF (aunt flo) rears her ugly head. I am 9 DPO today and either I am going to hang in there until CD 1 or test and get this over with. I plan to fight to wait until CD11 but that seems so far away. I have some digital CBE pregnancy tests waiting for me. Last night I dreamt that I tested and got a smiley face, then the test begin to malfunction after I showed my husband. ‘We did it!’ I exclaimed only to have the test starting showing numbers and pound signs and just going completely haywire. Lord. I woke up this morning like ‘what the hell’? So that makes me doubly timid about testing. Oh Boy! The tests I have should say pregnant or not pregnant, so maybe I need to run and get First Response. Those show the smiley face.

I am having some twinges in my abdomen and had slight heaviness this morning. I can’t blame that on prometrium but I still refuse to read too much into it. I have been really trying to monitor myself since 6DPO because that is supposedly when baby begins to implant. No spotting, but light twinges. I should just put myself out of my misery right now and test.

I can say that I am not as emotional as in the past. Maybe I’ll sing a new tune in a day or so though. Sunday seems like a good POAS day. If it’s negative, I’ll still have time for an apple martini.