Why the Rebound Girl?

Some may be wondering why I chose the name Rebound Girl. Well to make a long story short, I met my husband when he was ending a very messy divorce. I had just come out of a 9 year relationship and had moved to a new area. When we met, it was so much fun to have someone to make me laugh and of course the sex was dynomite! At any rate, we begin living together very quickly and all his family basically thought he was using me (which he may have been for a while) and that we would not last. My family thought I was still stuck on my ex and there was no way I could be moving on and he was just the rebound guy. For a while, it was what it was. I did not love him nor he me, we just were together and maybe it was to fill certain voids we had. But eventually it blossomed into something more. I love him and he loved me and he asked me to marry him. Certain members of his family did not even show up to our wedding, making some excuse about another commitment, but I knew it was because they thought our marriage would never last and that we'd be separated and divorced. But oh how we proved them wrong! Here we are 6 years later still putting up with each others shit and loving each other so strong that it hurts. I think its because some of those people did not show that our marriage was blessed and has endured. We did not need those negative thoughts on our big day!

They thought I was the rebound girl and he was the rebound guy and we knew after a short while we were destined to be together for life.

Primary Infertility

So my research tells me that I have primary infertility. That means this is my first time trying to get preggers with no luck. As I read around with those who have secondary infertility, I somehow get turned off. They have one child already so somehow their plight does not appeal to me. I am like, you atleast have one and have proven that you were a good purchase (so to speak), that your husband had proof that you can bear children and are not barren, unlike me who has never had a child and feel I have something to prove along with my strong desire to be a mother. Oh well. Its harsh but true. I sometimes feel like I was a bad pick for my husband, because he wants MORE children so bad. He already has kids but wants some with ME. This has been the first thing he's asked for that I can't deliver on and boy does it hurt.

Low Dose Clomid

This is my third time doing the clomid cycle and each time has been different. First time, I got lots of hot flashes and bloating. The second time hardly any symptoms at all, this time, blurred vision. I had to take a dose in the AM because I missed my day 3 PM dose due to an emergency. I noticed my vision was messy but could not figure out why. I also had a drink of vodka and cranberry, so... I know I should not be drinking but I just wanted to and with me doing things perfectly and having a busted IUI I figured, I go ahead and have me some fun. I read the insert and it said nothing about not drinking with the meds so guess what I am having another drink tonight too. I just feel like women get plastered all the time and still conceive. Why all this carefulness and I am not even pregnant yet?

Any way, that's where I am and having hot flashes with this cycle of clomid too. I am glad I don't have to return to work until Tuesday which is the last day of my clomid. Thank goodness.

I respond well to clomid each time. The first cycle I had one follicle due to me messing up on my dosage of Bravelle. The second cycle 3 big ones and we'll see what happens this cycle. By Tuesday, I won't be drinking so hopefully I can get 3 or more.

Planning IUI #3

I did not want to do it again, but only for a minute. My husband said let's go one more time! I am on cycle day 2 so we are waiting for day 3 u/s to see what they say. Hopefully there are not cysts. I already ordered my meds and am ready to get started if needed.

I personally have thought about the natural cycle. I want to try the fertility monitor and see what happens, but for some reason I feel I am back tracking. I am 31 years old and time is ticking away. It truly is. So I am going to do the IUI #3 praying that this is the one.

Nonetheless, I had a consult with my docor regarding IVF. The whole thought of it is too much for me, but of course I'll try it if I have to. They say you never stop trying. You take a break but you never stop trying. Right now I am mentally exhausted and I need to let it out. That is why I created this blog. I have no one to speak to about this except my husband but I need to RELEASE what I am feeling with no one knowing who I am or judging me or holding it against me. I stared this blog for that reason and in hopes that one day it will help someone out there experiencing the same things I am experiencing right now.

IUI #1 and #2

After much coaxing from my husband, I decided this was the next step for us. Somehow the sperm was just not meeting the egg, it was not getting past the cervix and the IUI would be the answer to our prayers. In nine months I'll be holding my baby in my arms and it would have been all worth it.

I researched ad naseum and felt good going in. I told my sister about it and she panicked telling me NOT to take the fertility drugs as I would surely have a litter I laughed and invisioned twins, how nice! Low dose clomid caused hot flashes and mood swings, but I hung in there. Bravelle shot hurt but I endured, Ovidrel brought on the ovulation pangs from hell, but I knew it'd be worth it. We made it through went for IUI#1 with one big follie. My husband gave a great sample and waited 2 weeks for the results. The 2ww is inhumane, the possiblities, the hopes and fears. I refused to take a HPT and waited for Beta. When my day arrived I was so excited.

My husband wanted them first, so he got the call. NEGATIVE! He called to let me know, the dissappointment evident in his voice. I felt awful and sulkyAfter a day I planned IUI #2. I had figured out that I had messed up the dosing on the bravelle and I should try it a second time. Surely it would work. This time I had 3 big follies waiting and ready. I did my dosage great and went in for my IUI #2. This time my husband gave even more at his sample. Although we had to do the sperm retrieval at the office watching a porno and sitting in a recliner. ICK!

This time I decided I'd test at home on day 9. 12 and 14, so I did. Each time getting a negative. I still held on to hope, God is in control, he has this. I went in for Beta and waited for the call. It same in while I was in the restroom with poor reception and the call was cut off. The second call came through a few long, excruciating two or three minutes later. I am sorry to inform you that your beta was negative. Awww hell! Okay God. I had challenged Him, told Him that if he was working miracles to go ahead and work one. Prove it to me, show me. No miracle that day, not that particular one on that day.

I called my husband with the bad news. My heart broke. Why can't I give my husband a child?

The Myomectomy

Finding that fibroid was a very devastating thing for me. I was crushed. My GYN sent me to have a HSG done to see if my tubes were open. To my continued devastation, both tubes were blocked. I was torn up inside as I had to explain it all to my husband. My GYN referred me to an infertility specialist who told me the fibroid had to be removed if I wanted any chance of conception.

We scheduled the surgery March 2007. That surgery was one of the scariest things I've ever done. I prayed and prayed and my sister prayed too. My husband was there offering whatever support he could. he did a great job, but men are just not nurturers in most cases. He did the best he could, but some days I just felt like the most useless woman alive. We made it through the surgery and after 3 months of healing, I was ready to try to conceive as soon as possible. We got the all clear HSG. Great news! Thank God. We proceeded to conceive. Month after month of negative test results. Hoping and praying for a positive but nothing. We ran tests and were given the diagnosis of unexplained infertility. Since the fibroid was gone, my bloodwork is fine, my husband's sperm is excellent, there is no reason why we have not concieved. Argggh!!!

Finally the doctor suggested IUI and fertility drugs.

The Beginning

If anyone would have ever told me that I'd be here, unable to conceive, I would have NEVER believed it. I always dream of having children...10. I always believed the moment I stopped using the pill, poof, I'd be pregnant. When I went off the pill I figured that I would be pregnant the moment I stopped using condoms. How wrong I was.

I think back to 1999 when I was about to graduate from college. I announced to my family that I would be having a baby with my longtime boyfriend. My sister was so alarmed, she counseled me immediately. My grandmother who always loved and still loves children was ecstatic. I was convinced not to have children just yet. So I kept popping my pills. I thought how lucky I was that the pill worked for me; I'd not gotten pregnant despite my carelessness. Now I think I know why.

When I met and married my husband, he wanted me to immediately go off of the pill. But I took it for another year thinking, we need to just make it through our first year and start trying after our anniversary. I went off the pill and figured 3 months, the drugs will be out of my system and then we'll get pregnant. Three months turned into 12 and my husband told me to talk to my GYN about trying to get pregnant. I just figured our timing must not be right or something and did not worry too much. I spoke to my doctor about TTC for 12 months with no success. It was at my annual check-up. It was at this check-up that my doctor noticed my abdomen was large and firm. He thought it may be a fibroid. I had to do a transvaginal u/s and sure enough there it was. One, 11cm fibroid sitting at the top of my uterus.