Oh You Can't Have Any...Like Me

Those are the words of my dementia induced by diabetes, grandmother. She never had children of her own, only raised other people's kids and then took to one special little girl and raised her as her own from a small baby after her mother died. That'd be my mother.

My grandmother always wanted me to have children as soon as possible. She did not care! When I graduated from high school I had a boyfriend that I dated since 10th grade. She told me to go on and have a baby and she'd raise it while I was off in college. She always said, you better do it now while you're young baby. Sometimes I wish I would have listened. Whenever i speak to her on the phone she always asks how many children I have. I always say none and she asks what I am waiting on and I tell her, well God has not decided to give me any yet and she usually says 'Oh, you can't have any like me'. I just stay silent and take it like a bullet each and every time. I dread calling her sometimes, but that is my grammie; she raised me and loved me and I understand that now she is sick in mind and body and does not really know that what she is saying hurts me. Otherwise, I'd cuss her old as out.

But why aren't I more like her, she was unable to have her own children and she spent her life raising other peoples kids and for her it was rewarding. Just about everybody in our family calls her Momma. She even raised her sister's children off and on. Somehow I don't feel adoption is for me. I KNOW my husband would be like 'get the hell out of here' if I did want to, but I just don't. I want my own biological children that came out of my own behind (sorry TMI). We need and deserve that common bond. Surprisingly, if I had my own biological child, I think I'd be more open to adoption. Weird?

I have kids...sort of

They are my sister,s children. So precious at 4, 3, and 1. I love them to pieces and they love me too, can't wait to see me and spend time with me. My one neice told my sister that she needed to see me because she was sure I missed her. This was after they vacationed and I had not seen them in some time. So I saw them Saturday, the same day I kept crying at every stroller or pregnant woman that passed by. We played at the play area and when we walked, my neices held my hand and I felt better because no one knew that they were not mine. No one could see me as the mommie wanna be, infertile myrtle, fertility challenged woman that I am.

Those Fertile Bitches at Work!

Oh Lord. I feel so bad because my co-worker whose about 10 weeks pregnant is getting on my nerves. Oh !!!!!...she is my friend and I really do care about her, but the constant talk about things is getting to me. Today as we were walking in from lunch she revealed to me that she was wearing maternity pants today and they felt so much better than the other ones. Yesterday it was how she had to unbutton the pants and how her husband made her so sick and nauseous with something he cooked that morning and blah, blah, blah. I am one of the few who was privileged enough to know that she's pregnant before 12 weeks. One of the others had her baby today. The last is a guy who will not listen to all this crap. So, I wanted to just burst into tears when I kept hearing about the baby in her tummy and she forwarded me the email exchange of her asking our HR rep about maternity leave. In the words of Florida Evans (Good Times) 'Damn, damn, damn'!!!!!!

Now the other fertile myrtle had her almost 9 pound baby today. I guess I am not so upset about that. Atleast the evidence that she got pregnant after I said I wanted to and had the baby before I can even get pregnant is gone. I was much better handling the news of her delivery. However, when she brings that new little baby in for everyone to see I just don't know how I'll take it.

The third pregnant lady came in with her 6 week old baby and I did all I could to avoid seeing him. Just could not go see that baby.

The fourth just keeps telling me she's praying for me and it will happen soon. Oh boy! This is the one who got married and decided to have a baby within a month and got pregnant. Then said they were praying for a boy and got that too.

Add to that the two women I know who've both had abortions earlier in life and have gone on to have a combined 8 children. Lord take me now!!!! How in the hell do they get to concieve and I don't?!?!?!?!

But its not their faults because they are pregnant and have children and its not mine that I am jealous, angry, scared, frustrated, confused and at times unable to deal with any of them.

I've ranted on, incoherently and now I'll move on to something else. Woosah (rubbing the ears).

CBE Fertility Monitor

So, I took the plunge and purchased the Clear Blue Easy Fertility Monitor from a lady in my neighboring state. I am going to use it for a few months while saving up for IVF and pray that we get pregnant. I read all the rave reviews online with a few not so good ones in between and decided its a go. I've never had a chance to use one and so this is it!

I was on craigslist like a mad woman yesterday emailing and corresponding and breaking out into a cold sweat. LOL!!!

Despite the makers saying that its not good to transfer the machine and have more than one user, I know its a determent to keep us paying close to $200 for the machine and $50 for 30 test sticks, but they won't get me like that. Nope. I got mine used for $35! That's right and I'll get some test sticks at CVS for $39. Its about the cost of my IUI with insurance coverage. LOL!!!

Today is CD1 for me and as soon as I get my machine, disinfect it and calibrate it, I will be charting my days. I've done the basal temp and charting before, so this should be similar right? We'll see. Whats more is I ovulate monthly, like clockwork, but I learned from reading that some women did as well but found with the monitor that their peak days were before they thought, so when they started BDing (baby dusting/dancing), the egg was at high quality and may not have been viable. So many tales of getting pregnant after one month of charting and even one of a lady who did mediated IUIs and did not get pregnant, but got the monitor charted and got pregnant. I am praying I too have a story to share like that one. Maybe I am buying into the hype of it all or perhaps being swept away by the possibilities, but I need something to hold on to and occupy my mind, so I feel I am still making an effort. A girl has the right to dream.

Faith versus Stupidity

So I had to wait until now to get my confirmed BFN beta. Truth be told I still had faith that I could have that late implanter or low beta number undetectable by the HPT. But of course, I was just being stupid and outlandish. They had me wait all day just to hear 'unfortunately the beta was negative'. Arggh!

So on to other things. I decided to give the fertility monitor a try. I found one on craigslist for $35 but it might be sold. I am going back to seek another. I never had a chance to use it and kept confusing it with the ovulation sticks. Now I plan to just try it au natural and see what happens. We are looking at IVF after that.

Beta Tomorrow

Tomorrow is the official beta day for me. I had planned not to go but my husband asked about it today and I did not have the heart to tell him that I tested and it was negative. Yesterday was so hard for me but I got through it...barely. I wanted to wish him a Happy Father's Day but could not do it, so...

My first Beta I let them give him the results. When he called I could feel the heartbreak in his voice. The second one I got, and I hated that call....Unfortunately your beta was negative, stop taking the prometrium and wait for cycle day 1 to call your nurse. Ugghhh. I took it like a bullet. I dread the call tomorrow and will just let it go to voicemail and retrieve it later on. No one needs to have their feelings hurt with bad news.

I visited my baby forum to find 2 more BFPs. That is 12 for June. Now why the hell couldn't I be one of those 12. FUCK!!!!!

Another busted IUI

So today is 12 dpiui and I woke up this morning around 5am and tested my urine. I got a big fat 'Not Pregnant' and came back to bed and cried. I just don't understand how things can be so wrong. What have I done to deserve infertility. I must have done something really bad that God is holding against me.

I fell asleep and got up to go to my vision appt. then went to the mall. Every stroller I saw or every pregnant women, I cried. I just sat there feeling low and like the smallest person in the world. I was not a good pick, I am barren and I cannot give my husband children.

Because I believe that God works miracles and He can do anything, I retested in the PM and got another 'Not Pregnant'. So that's that. No Happy Father's Day from me because I can't deliver. I am sure he'll be upset, but what can I do. Obviously this is out of my control and I just give up.

I am stopping the prometrium tonight and having a strong apple martini. I don't want to hear about Beta or later implanters. This just is what it is.